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Preparing for my annual State of the Union Address

Since the economy went to the toilet, it’s become an annual tradition of mine to try and fire off as many Johnny Carson style “How Bad Is It?” one-line jokes on Twitter about the State of the Union in the 30 minutes before the President begins his address. Last year I hit 25.

It’s also become a tradition for me to post the previous years the night before, to help me in my efforts not to repeat a joke from the year prior.  This is that post.

Follow me on Twitter @michaelsalamone tomorrow night during the half hour before President Obama takes stage for at least 25 new stupid jokes.  Or follow me all of the time for stupid jokes daily.  Or don’t.  I don’t need you to validate my need for telling stupid jokes.  Kidding. I actually do need that, very much.

Anyhow, here are the 2 previous years’ attempts at the same challenge.

2011:

My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so dreadful that it stinks like patchouli and listens to Dub-Step.

My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so petrifying that it must have had the same plastic surgeon as Heidi Montag.

My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so heavy, that it is based on a character from the novel PUSH by Sapphire.

My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so Grimm, that it’s the muscle for the Fantastic Four. (for my fellow comic book nerds)

My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is bankrupt, but like our own corporations, the Chinese seem to think we’re too big to fail.

My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so disgusting that we’ve got less substance than Taco Bell “meat.”

My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so repulsive that it may as well be tattooed on Iggy Pop’s wrinkling and sagging chest.

My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so diminished that it could be photographed from within Brett Favre’s pants.

My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so polluted that you’d think we’re a nation of smoking babies from India.

My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so battered, you’d think that it’s been dating Chris Brown.

My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so jittery, it’s like drinking a Trente sized coffee from Starbucks.

My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so shameful, that it makes MTV’s adaptation of SKINS look like SESAME STREET.

My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so disappointing that my parents forgot to wish it a happy birthday this year too.

My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so far off-line that one would think that it’s being run by the servers at Tumblr.

My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so busted that you may as well start calling it Snookie.

My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so fucked up that they found 3 cans of 4-Loko on it.

My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so terrible that Pittsburgh Steeler fans throw towels at it.

My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so unhealthy, that it has been named the new lead singer for Poison.

My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so decrepit, that a 24-year-old Playmate, Crystal Harris, plans to marry it.

My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so tragic, that Sarah Palin is deleting all of her tweets about it.

My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so nasty, that Charlie Sheen has it locked in a closet right now.

My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so abusive, that it plays quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers.

My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so vulgar, that it won’t be asked back to host the Golden Globes again next year.

My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so tanked, that it could be confused with a golden-voiced drifter.

My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so criminal, it’s sharing a cell with Bernie Madoff.

2010:

My fellow Americans, the State of the Union is so poor that it snuck in from Mexico.

My fellow Americans, the State of the Union is so unsatisfactory, it could be a Jay Leno punch line.

My fellow Americans, the State of the Union is so substandard that it will have to go to college in Florida.

My fellow Americans, the State of the Union is more bottomed out than Kim Kardashian.

My fellow Americans, the State of the Union is in such poor quality that it could have only been made in the United States.

My fellow Americans, the State of the Union is so careless, that it’s FOX News’ top story.

My fellow Americans, the State of the Union is so diseased, that even Paris Hilton won’t sleep with it.

My fellow Americans, the State of the Union is so corrupt that the Supreme Court just gave it the same rights as a person.

My fellow Americans, the State of the Union is so substandard, John McCain asked it to be his running mate.

My fellow Americans, the State of the Union is so gross that Pamela Anderson just married it.

My fellow Americans, the State of the Union is weaker than Tiger Woods’ wedding vows.

My fellow Americans, the State of the Union is more unstable than Lindsay Lohan and Andy Dick combined.