Since I was a little too young to achieve my boyhood dream of being a writer for Johnny Carson, I’ve been using Twitter these last few years to make as many Carson-esque “How Bad Is It” jokes about the State of the Union during the half-hour before the broadcast. With the economy in the toilet, it just seemed like the right thing to do, and now it’s become a tradition.
I just finished. I hit 30 this year. Two or three of them are actually funny. These are the the one-liners for 2012:
My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so unproductive that it has it’s own Twitter account.
My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so lame that Pauly Shore will star in the Lifetime Movie adaptation.
My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so degrated that it’s shooting gonzo porn for drug money and sleeping with Charlie Sheen.
My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so disreputable that it will be the featured story on FOX & Friends tomorrow morning.
My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so needy that it texted you a dozen times after you left this morning.
My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so impaired that Nick Nolte is it’s designated driver.
My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so tapped out that douche-bags have to wear it on their t-shirts.
My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so vacant that the pervy actor from Lost just married it.
My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so sagging that it has been confused with Hugh Hefner’s ball sack.
My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so inadequate that it just bought a sports car.
My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so jittery that it’s being counseled by Doctor Drew.
My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so apocalyptic that Tim Tebow actually got to talk to Jesus Christ.
My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so heavy that it keeps getting confused for New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.
My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so dreadful that the National Anthem is now produced by a dub-step DJ.
My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so substandard that it keeps getting confused for Romney polling numbers.
My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so emaciated that Abercrombie and Fitch have already signed it to a modeling contract.
My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so in the toilet that the Dave Mathews band has already dumped it on Chicago.
My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is such bad news that Bill Hader will play Dateline’s Keith Morrison reveling in joy over it.
My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so terrible that it will be billed as Tyler Perry’s State of the Union.
My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so substandard, that Rick Perry beat it in a Spelling Bee.
My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so disconnected that it only has one Facebook friend.
My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so raunchy, that even Herman Cain stopped sexually harassing it.
My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so unscrupulous, that it’s doing business with Newt Gingrich.
My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so awful that it will be the first single on the next Nickleback record.
My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so without continuity that it must be part of DC Comics’ New 52.
My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so disgusting that it’s been confused with Ke$ha.
My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so obscene that Penn State won’t do anything about it.
MY THANKS TO MY TWITTER FOLLOWERS WHO DIDN’T UNFOLLOW ME DURING THOSE 30 MINUTES.
