As I posted earlier, since the economic downturn, it’s been a tradition of mine to make 25 Johnny Carson esque “How Bad Is It?” jokes on Twitter before the State of the Union.
Every President usually begins with “My fellow Americans, the State of the Union is strong.”
But it isn’t strong. It’s bad. And Johnny’s Tonight Show audience would have shouted, “How Bad Is It?” —before Johnny would have rattled off a bunch of puns and one liners, often using topical headlines of the day.
My God, I miss Johnny Carson.
And so, in opposite order, here are the 25 I rattled off this year, for my now annual tradition in honor of the great Johnny Carson:
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My fellow Americans, the #StateOfTheUnion is so dreadful that it stinks like patchouli and listens to Dub-Step.
<div> <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/MichaelSalamone/status/30066069527863297" title="5:54 PM Jan 25th"><span time="1296003284000" form="true"><br /></span></a><span><a href="http://twitter.com/#" title="Delete"><span><b></b></span></a> </span> </div> <div> </div> <div media="true" type="tweet"> <div name="MichaelSalamone"> <div> <img src="https://a1.twimg.com/profile_images/1163462652/653-653201-1269474589-l_normal.jpg" alt="Michael Salamone" width="48" height="48"/></div> <div> <div> <div>My fellow Americans, the <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/search?q=%23StateOfTheUnion" title="#StateOfTheUnion" rel="nofollow">#StateOfTheUnion</a> is so petrifying that it must have had the same plastic surgeon as Heidi Montag.</div> </div><br /></div></div></div><div media="true" type="tweet"><div name="MichaelSalamone"> <div> <img src="https://a1.twimg.com/profile_images/1163462652/653-653201-1269474589-l_normal.jpg" alt="Michael Salamone" width="48" height="48"/></div> <div> <div> <span> <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/MichaelSalamone"><br /></a><span></span> <div><a href="http://twitter.com/#" title="You are foo">Hello undefined</a></div></span> <div> <div> <span> <div> <span></span> </div> </span> </div> </div> </div> <div> <div>My fellow Americans, the <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/search?q=%23StateOfTheUnion" title="#StateOfTheUnion" rel="nofollow">#StateOfTheUnion</a> is so heavy, that it is based on a character from the novel PUSH by Sapphire.</div> </div><br /></div></div></div><div media="true" type="tweet"><div name="MichaelSalamone"> <div> <img src="https://a1.twimg.com/profile_images/1163462652/653-653201-1269474589-l_normal.jpg" alt="Michael Salamone" width="48" height="48"/></div> <div> <div> <span> <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/MichaelSalamone"><br /></a><span></span> <div><a href="http://twitter.com/#" title="You are foo">Hello undefined</a></div></span> <div> <div> <span> <div> <span></span> </div> </span> </div> </div> </div> <div> <div>My fellow Americans, the <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/search?q=%23StateOfTheUnion" title="#StateOfTheUnion" rel="nofollow">#StateOfTheUnion</a> is so Grimm, that it's the muscle for the Fantastic Four. (for my fellow comic book nerds)</div> </div><br /></div></div></div><div media="true" type="tweet"><div name="MichaelSalamone"> <div> <img src="https://a1.twimg.com/profile_images/1163462652/653-653201-1269474589-l_normal.jpg" alt="Michael Salamone" width="48" height="48"/></div> <div> <div> <span> <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/MichaelSalamone"><br /></a><span></span> <div><a href="http://twitter.com/#" title="You are foo">Hello undefined</a></div></span> <div> <div> <span> <div> <span></span> </div> </span> </div> </div> </div> <div> <div>My fellow Americans, the <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/search?q=%23StateOfTheUnion" title="#StateOfTheUnion" rel="nofollow">#StateOfTheUnion</a> is bankrupt, but like our own corporations, the Chinese seem to think we're too big to fail.</div> </div><br /></div></div></div><div media="true" type="tweet"><div name="MichaelSalamone"> <div> <img src="https://a1.twimg.com/profile_images/1163462652/653-653201-1269474589-l_normal.jpg" alt="Michael Salamone" width="48" height="48"/></div> <div> <div> <span> <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/MichaelSalamone"><br /></a><span></span> <div><a href="http://twitter.com/#" title="You are foo">Hello undefined</a></div></span> <div> <div> <span> <div> <span></span> </div> </span> </div> </div> </div> <div> <div>My fellow Americans, the <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/search?q=%23StateOfTheUnion" title="#StateOfTheUnion" rel="nofollow">#StateOfTheUnion</a> is so disgusting that we've got less substance than Taco Bell "meat."</div> </div><br /></div></div></div><div media="true" type="tweet"><div name="MichaelSalamone"> <div> <img src="https://a1.twimg.com/profile_images/1163462652/653-653201-1269474589-l_normal.jpg" alt="Michael Salamone" width="48" height="48"/></div> <div> <div> <span> <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/MichaelSalamone"><br /></a><span></span> <div><a href="http://twitter.com/#" title="You are foo">Hello undefined</a></div></span> <div> <div> <span> <div> <span></span> </div> </span> </div> </div> </div> <div> <div>My fellow Americans, the <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/search?q=%23StateOfTheUnion" title="#StateOfTheUnion" rel="nofollow">#StateOfTheUnion</a> is so repulsive that it may as well be tattooed on Iggy Pop's wrinkling and sagging chest.</div> </div><br /></div></div></div><div media="true" type="tweet"><div name="MichaelSalamone"> <div> <img src="https://a1.twimg.com/profile_images/1163462652/653-653201-1269474589-l_normal.jpg" alt="Michael Salamone" width="48" height="48"/></div> <div> <div> <span> <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/MichaelSalamone"><br /></a><span></span> <div><a href="http://twitter.com/#" title="You are foo">Hello undefined</a></div></span> <div> <div> <span> <div> <span></span> </div> </span> </div> </div> </div> <div> <div>My fellow Americans, the <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/search?q=%23StateOfTheUnion" title="#StateOfTheUnion" rel="nofollow">#StateOfTheUnion</a> is so diminished that it could be photographed from within Brett Favre's pants.</div> </div><br /></div></div></div><div media="true" type="tweet"><div name="MichaelSalamone"> <div> <img src="https://a1.twimg.com/profile_images/1163462652/653-653201-1269474589-l_normal.jpg" alt="Michael Salamone" width="48" height="48"/></div> <div> <div> <span> <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/MichaelSalamone"><br /></a><span></span> <div><a href="http://twitter.com/#" title="You are foo">Hello undefined</a></div></span> <div> <div> <span> <div> <span></span> </div> </span> </div> </div> </div> <div> <div>My fellow Americans, the <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/search?q=%23StateOfTheUnion" title="#StateOfTheUnion" rel="nofollow">#StateOfTheUnion</a> is so polluted that you'd think we're a nation of smoking babies from India.</div> </div><br /></div></div></div><div media="true" type="tweet"><div name="MichaelSalamone"> <div> <img src="https://a1.twimg.com/profile_images/1163462652/653-653201-1269474589-l_normal.jpg" alt="Michael Salamone" width="48" height="48"/></div> <div> <div> <span> <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/MichaelSalamone"><br /></a><span></span> <div><a href="http://twitter.com/#" title="You are foo">Hello undefined</a></div></span> <div> <div> <span> <div> <span></span> </div> </span> </div> </div> </div> <div> <div>My fellow Americans, the <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/search?q=%23StateOfTheUnion" title="#StateOfTheUnion" rel="nofollow">#StateOfTheUnion</a> is so battered, you'd think that it's been dating Chris Brown.</div> </div><br /></div></div></div><div media="true" type="tweet"><div name="MichaelSalamone"> <div> <img src="https://a1.twimg.com/profile_images/1163462652/653-653201-1269474589-l_normal.jpg" alt="Michael Salamone" width="48" height="48"/></div> <div> <div> <span> <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/MichaelSalamone"><br /></a><span></span> <div><a href="http://twitter.com/#" title="You are foo">Hello undefined</a></div></span> <div> <div> <span> <div> <span></span> </div> </span> </div> </div> </div> <div> <div>My fellow Americans, the <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/search?q=%23StateOfTheUnion" title="#StateOfTheUnion" rel="nofollow">#StateOfTheUnion</a> is so jittery, it's like drinking a Trente sized coffee from Starbucks.</div> </div><br /></div></div></div><div media="true" type="tweet"><div name="MichaelSalamone"> <div> <img src="https://a1.twimg.com/profile_images/1163462652/653-653201-1269474589-l_normal.jpg" alt="Michael Salamone" width="48" height="48"/></div> <div> <div> <span> <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/MichaelSalamone"><br /></a><span></span> <div><a href="http://twitter.com/#" title="You are foo">Hello undefined</a></div></span> <div> <div> <span> <div> <span></span> </div> </span> </div> </div> </div> <div> <div>My fellow Americans, the <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/search?q=%23StateOfTheUnion" title="#StateOfTheUnion" rel="nofollow">#StateOfTheUnion</a> is so shameful, that it makes MTV's adaptation of SKINS look like SESAME STREET.</div> </div><br /></div></div></div><div media="true" type="tweet"><div name="MichaelSalamone"> <div> <img src="https://a1.twimg.com/profile_images/1163462652/653-653201-1269474589-l_normal.jpg" alt="Michael Salamone" width="48" height="48"/></div> <div> <div> <span> <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/MichaelSalamone"><br /></a><span></span> <div><a href="http://twitter.com/#" title="You are foo">Hello undefined</a></div></span> <div> <div> <span> <div> <span></span> </div> </span> </div> </div> </div> <div> <div>My fellow Americans, the <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/search?q=%23StateOfTheUnion" title="#StateOfTheUnion" rel="nofollow">#StateOfTheUnion</a> is so disappointing that my parents forgot to wish it a happy birthday this year too.</div> </div><br /></div></div></div><div media="true" type="tweet"><div name="MichaelSalamone"> <div> <img src="https://a1.twimg.com/profile_images/1163462652/653-653201-1269474589-l_normal.jpg" alt="Michael Salamone" width="48" height="48"/></div> <div> <div> <span> <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/MichaelSalamone"><br /></a><span></span> <div><a href="http://twitter.com/#" title="You are foo">Hello undefined</a></div></span> <div> <div> <span> <div> <span></span> </div> </span> </div> </div> </div> <div> <div>My fellow Americans, the <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/search?q=%23StateOfTheUnion" title="#StateOfTheUnion" rel="nofollow">#StateOfTheUnion</a> is so far off-line that one would think that it's being run by the servers at Tumblr.</div> </div><br /></div></div></div><div media="true" type="tweet"><div name="MichaelSalamone"> <div> <img src="https://a1.twimg.com/profile_images/1163462652/653-653201-1269474589-l_normal.jpg" alt="Michael Salamone" width="48" height="48"/></div> <div> <div> <span> <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/MichaelSalamone"><br /></a><span></span> <div><a href="http://twitter.com/#" title="You are foo">Hello undefined</a></div></span> <div> <div> <span> <div> <span></span> </div> </span> </div> </div> </div> <div> <div>My fellow Americans, the <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/search?q=%23StateOfTheUnion" title="#StateOfTheUnion" rel="nofollow">#StateOfTheUnion</a> is so busted that you may as well start calling it Snookie.</div> </div><br /></div></div></div><div media="true" type="tweet"><div name="MichaelSalamone"> <div> <img src="https://a1.twimg.com/profile_images/1163462652/653-653201-1269474589-l_normal.jpg" alt="Michael Salamone" width="48" height="48"/></div> <div> <div> <span> <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/MichaelSalamone"><br /></a><span></span> <div><a href="http://twitter.com/#" title="You are foo">Hello undefined</a></div></span> <div> <div> <span> <div> <span></span> </div> </span> </div> </div> </div> <div> <div>My fellow Americans, the <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/search?q=%23StateOfTheUnion" title="#StateOfTheUnion" rel="nofollow">#StateOfTheUnion</a> is so fucked up that they found 3 cans of 4-Loko on it.</div> </div> <div media="true" type="tweet"> <br /><div> </div><br /><div name="MichaelSalamone"> <div> <img src="https://a1.twimg.com/profile_images/1163462652/653-653201-1269474589-l_normal.jpg" alt="Michael Salamone" width="48" height="48"/></div> <div> <div> <span> <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/MichaelSalamone"><br /></a><span></span> <div><a href="http://twitter.com/#" title="You are foo">Hello undefined</a></div></span> <div> <div> <span> <div> <span></span> </div> </span> </div> </div> </div> <div> <div>My fellow Americans, the <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/search?q=%23StateOfTheUnion" title="#StateOfTheUnion" rel="nofollow">#StateOfTheUnion</a> is so terrible that Pittsburgh Steeler fans throw towels at it.</div> </div> <div> <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/MichaelSalamone/status/29948657457434624" title="10:08 AM Jan 25th"><span></span><span time="1295975291000" form="true"><br /></span></a></div></div></div></div></div></div></div><div media="true" type="tweet"><div name="MichaelSalamone"> <div> <img src="https://a1.twimg.com/profile_images/1163462652/653-653201-1269474589-l_normal.jpg" alt="Michael Salamone" width="48" height="48"/></div> <div> <div> <span> <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/MichaelSalamone"><br /></a><span></span> <div><a href="http://twitter.com/#" title="You are foo">Hello undefined</a></div></span> <div> <div> <span> <div> <span></span> </div> </span> </div> </div> </div> <div> <div>My fellow Americans, the <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/search?q=%23StateOfTheUnion" title="#StateOfTheUnion" rel="nofollow">#StateOfTheUnion</a> is so unhealthy, that it has been named the new lead singer for Poison.</div> </div><br /></div></div></div><div media="true" type="tweet"><div name="MichaelSalamone"> <div> <img src="https://a1.twimg.com/profile_images/1163462652/653-653201-1269474589-l_normal.jpg" alt="Michael Salamone" width="48" height="48"/></div> <div> <div> <span> <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/MichaelSalamone"><br /></a><span></span> <div><a href="http://twitter.com/#" title="You are foo">Hello undefined</a></div></span> <div> <div> <span> <div> <span></span> </div> </span> </div> </div> </div> <div> <div>My fellow Americans, the <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/search?q=%23StateOfTheUnion" title="#StateOfTheUnion" rel="nofollow">#StateOfTheUnion</a> is so decrepit, that a 24-year-old Playmate, Crystal Harris, plans to marry it.</div> </div> <div> <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/MichaelSalamone/status/29934058385444864" title="9:10 AM Jan 25th"><span></span><span time="1295971810000" form="true"><br /></span></a></div></div></div></div><div media="true" type="tweet"><div name="MichaelSalamone"> <div> <img src="https://a1.twimg.com/profile_images/1163462652/653-653201-1269474589-l_normal.jpg" alt="Michael Salamone" width="48" height="48"/></div> <div> <div> <span> <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/MichaelSalamone"><br /></a><span></span> <div><a href="http://twitter.com/#" title="You are foo">Hello undefined</a></div></span> <div> <div> <span> <div> <span></span> </div> </span> </div> </div> </div> <div> <div>My fellow Americans, the <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/search?q=%23StateOfTheUnion" title="#StateOfTheUnion" rel="nofollow">#StateOfTheUnion</a> is so tragic, that Sarah Palin is deleting all of her tweets about it.</div> </div> <div> <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/MichaelSalamone/status/29933736199979008" title="9:08 AM Jan 25th"><span></span><span time="1295971733000" form="true"><br /></span></a></div></div></div></div><div media="true" type="tweet"><div name="MichaelSalamone"> <div> <img src="https://a1.twimg.com/profile_images/1163462652/653-653201-1269474589-l_normal.jpg" alt="Michael Salamone" width="48" height="48"/></div> <div> <div> <span> <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/MichaelSalamone"><br /></a><span></span> <div><a href="http://twitter.com/#" title="You are foo">Hello undefined</a></div></span> <div> <div> <span> <div> <span></span> </div> </span> </div> </div> </div> <div> <div>My fellow Americans, the <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/search?q=%23StateOfTheUnion" title="#StateOfTheUnion" rel="nofollow">#StateOfTheUnion</a> is so nasty, that Charlie Sheen has it locked in a closet right now.</div> </div> <div> <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/MichaelSalamone/status/29903838936829953" title="7:10 AM Jan 25th"><span></span><span time="1295964605000" form="true"><br /></span></a></div></div></div></div><div media="true" type="tweet"><div name="MichaelSalamone"> <div> <img src="https://a1.twimg.com/profile_images/1163462652/653-653201-1269474589-l_normal.jpg" alt="Michael Salamone" width="48" height="48"/></div> <div> <div> <span> <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/MichaelSalamone"><br /></a><span></span> <div><a href="http://twitter.com/#" title="You are foo">Hello undefined</a></div></span> <div> <div> <span> <div> <span></span> </div> </span> </div> </div> </div> <div> <div>My fellow Americans, the <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/search?q=%23StateOfTheUnion" title="#StateOfTheUnion" rel="nofollow">#StateOfTheUnion</a> is so abusive, that it plays quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers.</div> </div> <div> <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/MichaelSalamone/status/29903194356195329" title="7:07 AM Jan 25th"><span></span><span time="1295964451000" form="true"><br /></span></a></div></div></div></div><div media="true" type="tweet"><div name="MichaelSalamone"> <div> <img src="https://a1.twimg.com/profile_images/1163462652/653-653201-1269474589-l_normal.jpg" alt="Michael Salamone" width="48" height="48"/></div> <div> <div> <span> <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/MichaelSalamone"><br /></a><span></span> <div><a href="http://twitter.com/#" title="You are foo">Hello undefined</a></div></span> <div> <div> <span> <div> <span></span> </div> </span> </div> </div> </div> <div> <div>My fellow Americans, the <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/search?q=%23StateOfTheUnion" title="#StateOfTheUnion" rel="nofollow">#StateOfTheUnion</a> is so vulgar, that it won't be asked back to host the Golden Globes again next year.</div> </div> <div> <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/MichaelSalamone/status/29902739647496192" title="7:05 AM Jan 25th"><span></span><span time="1295964343000" form="true"><br /></span></a></div></div></div></div><div media="true" type="tweet"><div name="MichaelSalamone"> <div> <img src="https://a1.twimg.com/profile_images/1163462652/653-653201-1269474589-l_normal.jpg" alt="Michael Salamone" width="48" height="48"/></div> <div> <div> <span> <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/MichaelSalamone"><br /></a><span></span> <div><a href="http://twitter.com/#" title="You are foo">Hello undefined</a></div></span> <div> <div> <span> <div> <span></span> </div> </span> </div> </div> </div> <div> <div>My fellow Americans, the <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/search?q=%23StateOfTheUnion" title="#StateOfTheUnion" rel="nofollow">#StateOfTheUnion</a> is so tanked, that it could be confused with a golden-voiced drifter.</div> </div><br /></div></div></div><div> <img src="https://a1.twimg.com/profile_images/1163462652/653-653201-1269474589-l_normal.jpg" alt="Michael Salamone" width="48" height="48"/></div> <div> <span> <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/MichaelSalamone"><br /></a><span></span> <div><a href="http://twitter.com/#" title="You are foo">Hello undefined</a></div></span> <div> <div> <span> <div> <span></span> </div> </span> </div> </div> </div> <div> <div>My fellow Americans, the <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/search?q=%23StateOfTheUnion" title="#StateOfTheUnion" rel="nofollow">#StateOfTheUnion</a> is so criminal, it's sharing a cell with Bernie Madoff.<br /><br />------------<br /><br />May God bless America.<br /></div></div>
